you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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