Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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