Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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