I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
