This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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