im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
