had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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