DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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