Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
