you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
