you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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