I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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