If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
