Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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