You can't special order awesome
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
