The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
