I met the friendliest cop last night
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Is it penis luge time yet?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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