A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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