Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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