I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I need water and some morals
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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