dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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