..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
