The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
