the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
