i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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