I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
