Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
