Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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