im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize