the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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