oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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