No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
