??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
