this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
