He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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