I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
