life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
