Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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