Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
