im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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