"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
