You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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