The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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