bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
