Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
