sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize