Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
