I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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