The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
