fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
