I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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