Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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