fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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