his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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