remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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