Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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