so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
