Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
